HOW TO HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
Have you ever found yourself in a relationship that was less than you expected? Or maybe you know of a friend or family member has become involved with someone who did not treat them appropriately and may have even been abusive. This is an all too common situation that can happen when searching for that right person. Many times these individuals do not show their true colors until later on in the relationship when intimacy has been established, thus making them harder to leave. Unfortunately, I have known of friends and family members who never intended to get involved with someone of that nature, yet it can happen to anyone, especially if one is not careful. Fortunately, there are warning signs, which can signal that this individual is not healthy and good for you. As you search for that special person, keep this list handy.
Signs and Characteristics of an Unhealthy Relationship
· He/She is jealous of your close friends, family members and all other men/women.
· Moody, unpredictable. Moods are extreme or change quickly.
· Selfish. Cares more about his/her needs and wants than yours. (Only concerned with “I”, instead of “we”).
· After the initial first or second date, doesn’t want to take you out again, just wants to stay in and watch movies/ have sex.
· Pushes intimacy before you are ready or is sexually aggressive.
· He/she starts planning your future right away.
· He/she hates his/her mother or father and treats him/her badly.
· He/she always wants your undivided attention.
· He/she must always be in charge.
· He/she always has to win.
· He/she always asks where you went and whom you saw.
· He/she can’t take criticism and always justifies his/her actions.
· Only calls you when he/she is drunk (a booty call) or doesn’t ask you out ahead of time.
· Uses you for sex, but doesn’t take you out on dates.
· Never has money, expects you to pay for everything.
· Has a bad or violent temper (especially when he/she doesn’t get his or her way).
· Isolates you from friends and family.
· Brings you down by criticizing you or putting you down (verbal abuse).
· Blames you for his/her problems or things that aren’t your fault. Blames you for everything that goes wrong in his/her life.
· Too needy or dependent upon you.
· Too demanding or unrealistic expectations. Expects you to be his/her “Slave, Maid or Mother/Father-figure”. May even expect so much of you that you are unable to take good care of yourself.
· Is Manipulative/controlling. Tries to influence you to do things you don’t feel comfortable doing like missing work or breaking the law.
· He/she often says you don’t know what you are talking about.
· He/she makes you feel like you are not good enough.
· He/She withdraws his/her love or approval as punishment.
· Doesn’t care about your feelings or makes you feel bad for having feelings.
· Is secretive about his/her past (may be an ex-convict, pedophile, con-artist or sex-offender).
· Has had multiple failed relationships.
· Cannot keep a job.
· Flirts with other men/woman when you are with her/him.
· Cheats on you or insists upon having or hiding relationships with other men/women from you.
· Lets you know up front that he/or she is not interested in marrying you, but wants a sexual relationship anyway.
· Brings out the worst in you.
· Not trust worthy. Takes/steals from you/ uses you. Takes more than he/she gives back.
· Asks you for money, credit cards, loans or other financial assistance too early on in the relationship.
· Pushes you, holds you down or hits you (physically abusive).
· Influences you to compromise core goals, morals or values.
· Won’t talk to you about the relationship or whatever you may want to discuss, always avoids serious conversations.
· Judge-mental of your life and struggles, although has his/her own share of problems.
· Emotionally distant or goes to someone else to get emotional support. Avoids closeness instead of connecting (intimacy).
· Doesn’t follow through with promises. Breaks them all of the time.
· Always angry for something you did or didn’t do.
· You find yourself apologizing to others for them or making excuses for them.
· You give them chance after chance.
· You end up paying for their sins or forgetfulness.
· You resent them or nag them.
· He/she is addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc.
· Is unable to admit they have weaknesses. They believe they are perfect instead of admitting their faults.
· Is defensive instead of open to feedback.
· Is self-righteous vs. humble.
· Only apologize, but never change their behavior.
· Avoids working on their problems instead of dealing with them
· Demands trust instead of earning it.
· Blames others instead of taking responsibility for their lives.
· Lies instead of telling the truth.
· Is stagnant instead of growing.
· Stays in parent/child roles instead of treating you like and equal.
· Gossips instead of keeping secrets.
· Is unstable over time instead of consistent.
· Flatters you instead of confronting you.
· Condemns you instead of forgiving you.
· He threatens you with harm or destroys your property.
· You feel like you are always walking on “egg shells” when he/she is around.
Signs of a Healthy Relationship
· Communication is open and spontaneous (including listening).
· Rules/boundaries are clear and explicit, yet allows flexibility.
· Individuality, freedom and personal identity is enhanced.
· Each enjoys doing things for self, as well as for the other.
· Play, humor, and having fun together is commonplace.
· Each does not attempt to “fix” or control the other.
· Acceptance of self and other (for real selves).
· Assertiveness: feelings and needs are expressed.
· Humility: able to let go of the need to “be right”.
· Self confidence and security in own worth.
· Conflict is faced directly and resolved.
· Openness to constructive feedback.
· Each is trustful of the other.
· Balance of giving and receiving.
· Negotiations are fair and democratic.
· Tolerance: forgiveness of self and other.
· Mistakes are accepted and learned from.
· Willingness to take risks and be vulnerable.
· Other meaningful relationships and interests exist.
· Each can enjoy being alone and privacy is respected.
· Personal growth, change and exploration is encouraged.
· Continuity and consistency is present in the commitment.
· Balance of oneness (closeness) and separation from each other.
· Responsibility for own behaviors and happiness (not blaming other).
In the Book Safe People, by Cloud &Townsend, the subject of healthy relationships is covered extensively. The main components of a good relationship listed there are:
· Draws us closer to God.
· Draws us closer to others.
· Helps us become the real person God created us to be (brings out the best in us).
· They are able to connect with us in a way that we know that they are present with us.
· They love and accept you just as you are, which allows growth.
· Allows us to speak the truth about our faults (honestly) to one another without fear of condemnation.
